Saiou no Hana
BL
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Historical
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Drama
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BL | Historical | Drama |
He resisted the urge to turn away. All these altars- who had raised them? And to whom did they belong?
The answer which suggested itself to Shion made him halfway nauseous.
Guilt. Obsession. Regret.
All those scars he'd seen on Lord Kamui's body- was it possible some of those wounds might've been self-inflicted? Blood given for blood, to Kamui's honored dead?
Shion faced towards the altars and bowed. Then he raised the flute to his lips. He played for them, while thinking about Kamui. How he must have felt, having seen those endless faces always before him. Killing without desire, without malice, momentarily detached from the entirety of existence, outside it, alone, already either more or less than a man. What if the accident of Kamui's birth and the burden of his suffering had fallen instead to those he had killed, or to Shion himself? Would any of them have chosen to bear it differently?
If only there was no one fated to kill and no one fated to die.
If only his lord could know peace. If only Shion could take away the pain from both the living and the dead, those still, hushed faces gathering around him in his mind, along with the more distinct and cynical one which waited for him outside. The music faded and the silence grew deep and profound.
If only- so many things-
Mother, father, it has been a long, long time. I have grown to be an adult, and life has grown complicated. I have always wanted to be the kind of man you could be proud of, and for a long time I did not doubt that I was, but now-
I am no longer certain of anything.
Shion closed his eyes and sank back on his folded knees.
When I look at myself, all I see is failure. I thought I loved someone, but I hardly knew him at all. I tried to save him in life, but I failed, and now I am half-afraid I will not be able to save him even in death. I bargained for something important and allowed myself to be cheated. I have gained my freedom, but I have no idea what to do with it. I am overwhelmed with choices I fear I cannot make. Everything has grown tangled and twisted. I can no longer see my path. All surety has left me.
I do not ask for anything else, nor do I wish for anything more, only- please help me to know my own heart.
"Shion? Ah, I'm so glad to see you-" The boy glanced up at him with red and swollen eyes. "Why do you look so pale?"
"I could ask the same of you, Kagamine."
"That music you played- was that your offering? It sounded so sad, and yet, it was absolutely terrifying, almost inhuman. I half-expected you not to return."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you, only- I think it's very important that I make an altar for Kamui."
Kagamine sighed. "Why are you suddenly in such a hurry? You seemed ambivalent about it before."
"You've heard of malevolent spirits, haven't you?"
The boy crossed his arms over his chest again, pressing them tightly against his flesh. "Kamui never wished any harm upon anyone. Not even his most vicious enemies."
"He wished harm upon himself." Shion drew closer to him, pleading for understanding. "Not only wished it, Kagamine. His blood was on the altars."
"So what you're saying is, he's been twisted somehow by his guilt?" The boy sighed, reaching out for Shion and wrapping him in a close embrace. "I don't believe Kamui still exists in any sense whatsoever, so of course this sounds like utter nonsense to me, but if I were you, I'd probably be worried about him too." Kagamine kissed his forehead. "Let's go. I'll give you any help you might need."
Shion sat alone in the silence of Kamui's chamber. Kagamine had lit incense for him before leaving the room. The torn piece of cloth with its precious lock of hair lay on top of the altar they'd raised there together. Faint light spilled from the lamp up above. Shion's flute was in his hands. He knew exactly what he needed to do to draw Kamui to him. After that-
Help me to know my own heart, he prayed yet again.
That song he'd played before, in that innocent moment of complete openness and acceptance- he held onto it. He let it guide his fingers. He gathered the air which had carried Kamui's last breath into his lungs. He kept playing even after the lamp was extinguished.
You should not have called me here. I am a danger to you.
You have never been a danger to me, my lord.
You saw the altars. You understand how many I have killed. You are no different from any one of them. Indeed, you are more vulnerable than any of them now, for you alone might be possessed. Why do you risk calling me here?
From the moment I saw you, I wished for you to find happiness, and peace. That has not changed, even after all this time.
Wishes mean nothing. Will means nothing. I must submit to my fate. That is all that is left for me.
There is more than one fate left to you. You have not lost yourself entirely.
No, I have not, thanks to you. You have raised the altar. Now, what will you offer up to me?